this one's a bit depressing lol
18.05.20 | 8:53 pm

listen, i really want to feel better, but my brain is firmly in a space where it believes that most things do not matter anymore. if i feel any real emotion, it's something negative, like right now: i feel ignored without an explanation and so that white-hot shame rises up, and i've eaten terribly for days and stopped doing vigorous exercise and then the white-hot shame takes over everything. i feel like i wasn't as productive as i should've been during most of quarantine -- imagine what i could've accomplished if i were just a better person. more shame. feel shame for the stupid actions i've taken under the copious amounts of alcohol i've consumed through all of this. (i've had more hangovers since this started than i had in the past year.)

when i think about possibly dating again -- whether it be at home or if/when i come back here in the fall -- i just ask myself, what's the point? no one you find will ever be willing to follow you. people want to stay where they are. and you don't even know where you want to be. besides, people only want you for a limited time. besides, *insert lots of body-negative things i've been feeling lately here*.

i've applied for a couple of teaching jobs back home just in case something happens and the program is canceled or i can't get my new visa or there are no planes i can take to come back. and even that feels... useless.

a friend just told me about a girl he just started talking to who he's excited about. i asked if they have face-time dated, and he clarified that they've literally only been talking a couple of hours. but he is hoping.

i said, "i am on the side of hope."

but am i?

for other people, maybe.

but i can't stress enough how lately, it truly feels like it's never going to happen for me. i know i've said it before, i know eventually i'll bounce back.

it's like i never truly learn. i make all of these stupid decisions, "learn" from them, and then do the same exact thing again later. i get in my head and want things to follow a narrative structure that doesn't exist. i get too excited and read into things that don't have some deeper hidden meaning. i want so badly to connect that i try to force it too soon and reveal too much about myself or ask too many questions. when any bit of the excitement starts to wane, i assume everything is over, they'll never talk to me again, they hate me, and i'll be alone forever.

i'm aware of all these things.

i want to change them.

but it all seems so tiring.

and all of my hope is just... gone.

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