03.06.20 | 1:54 pm

i want to write about different things, about my last night in avignon, about my trip, about the feelings in my head, but instead, i have been struggling with how to react to everything that is going on in america right now.

i'm not good at debating. i'm not good at shouting what i believe in. i'm not one who can go into a verbal altercation and come out having convinced someone of the opposite opinion thanks to my sound reasoning and fact-checked points.

normally, i don't post any of my opinions (on much of anything) on social media. i'm very skeptical of the online activism in most cases -- the idea that sharing one post = something incredibly helpful in a movement, it doesn't sit well with me. it never has.

i've always found it more meaningful (for myself, that is) to try to do something concrete in my real life.

(i would also like to say that obviously these movements, which can start online or be amplified there, can bring so much necessary attention to things like this, and that shouldn't be scoffed at, either, so i do see how helpful posting online can be, but it's always felt disingenuous for me personally.)

and another layer here is the fact that my voice isn't a voice that needs to be heard right now, so i've been trying to do the opposite and read voices who have unfortunately had to experience these things all their lives! and adding my voice into this mix again feels disingenuous.

but i also can't sit back and do nothing.

so i've been doing what i think i can in times like this:

-reading more on the history and people's current experiences because, as a straight white woman, i am afforded so much privilege in this world.
-donating the money i can to causes that support the black lives matter movement
-attempting to have productive discourse and spread understanding of these issues to people in my family who really don't comprehend the situation
-continuously talking to my other white friends to see if there's more we can do, because no matter what, we feel like we aren't doing enough, and if we are in these privileged positions, we need to try to do what we can...

i've had so many guilty feelings through all of this while simultaneously understanding that those guilty feelings aren't helping anything EITHER.

so i'm just going to keep trying. keep talking. keep sharing other voices that are more important right now than my own.

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