not quite 30
04.06.20 | 3:32 pm

last night, as i lazed around on the living room couches with my family, flipping between jeopardy and america says, my baby brother said, "so, how much weight did you actually lose in france?"

then, his girlfriend added, "yeah, we were guessing thirty pounds."

it is so difficult for me to realize that other people see my body, that they can see the changes (perhaps even better than i can). before i got home, i knew something was different, but i never could have pointed out what exactly it was.

now, my brain goes through phases like this:

-i tried on a lot of the old clothes i did not take with me to france. many of them fit much better or were essentially hanging off of me. my favorite purple dress, for example, which had shrunk, now fits perfectly again. so, i had a little fashion show, trying things on, walking to the mirror, admiring a body that is ever-so-slightly smaller.

-i ate some of the snacks that my family always keeps in the kitchen (rice krispie treats, fruit by the foot, etc.). i felt such immense guilt and such intense fear -- what will happen if i eat things like this, if i gain the weight back, if everyone who is watching my body suddenly becomes so disappointed in me? if they see me as some kind of failure?

-today, i straightened my hair for the first time in nine months, and i stared at my reflection in the mirror, seeing how my face has slightly thinned out, seeing how long my hair has gotten, loving the way i looked.

-my brother decided to order pizza and asked if i wanted any. i ate three cheese sticks as we all sat around together, and as soon as i was finished, i berated myself: you didn't need any of that food. you shouldn't have eaten at all.

-when i finally got my yoga mat out again, i was amazed at how strong my body felt, even after not working out for a few days because of the traveling. my limbs were limber and i could move without any trouble. my body felt energized and ready to move in this way. i felt protected by it, safe almost, to know that my body can keep me feeling this way.

-i stepped on the scale again this morning and saw the number tip up one extra pound. i immediately hated myself.

this isn't new for me. i've been here before. but there is some fallacy in my mind that thinks, well, i'm thirty now, i should certainly be past this. this shouldn't plague me the way that it does.

but it does.

it does.

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