i'm so hungry and i ate lunch like two hours ago it's unfair
12.06.20 | 2:48 pm

there was a small blm protest in my town wednesday (and apparently another on thursday that i didn't know about). i went on wendesday with my sister-in-law and her friend. we made signs and we walked around the square and we listened to the speakers and really, it was lovely.

this town is 92% white. it made me proud of my little corner of the world.

well, a little.

of course, there were anti-protesters, saying some not-so-nice things. but what can ya do?

this boy i know as a friend of my brother's sat down in the parking lot across from one of the more vocal men and they had a discussion (i was too far away, so i don't know if it was productive or even pleasant or what have you), but i found that rather cool.

i also saw a handful of my former students there, as well, which made me happy. they didn't recognize me though because i wore a mask the whole time.



today, i briefly considered downloading a dating app.

i think i just want someone new to talk to and to learn about, so i don't automatically calculate the time in france every time i look at a clock, so i have something different to look forward to.

but i realized there were only two real ends to doing this: i would end up in some kind of casual relationship (okay), or i would end up in a serious relationship and then end up going back to france and having to either break it off or be long distance, neither of which sound very fun to me.

the good news is, i feel like i'm in a much better space in regards to myself. these past few months, i've been able to focus on the things i actually like doing and the things i actually want to improve. i've been able to work on them actively. i've been able to come to a lot of conclusions about the way i behave and why, and what patterns i have and how to stop them in the future.

so i'm not opposed, exactly, to meeting someone.

it just seems useless to go out and try to find it.


i think i might watch call me by your name tonight since it's been on my "list" for awhile now.

you know, it's been nice being home because everyone is basically in bed by 8 because everyone gets up super early to work. so i crawl into my room, after having washed my face and brushed my teeth, around 8:30, and i spend the next 1-2 hours just reading and relaxing and really feeling myself power down. it feels very healthy.

i haven't had any alcohol since i was in france, either. and i suppose that's pleasant, too. (i do eat a lot of snacks, though.)

i finished the bob-waksberg book, and it was brilliant. really well done, i think, with these weird sci-fi/fantasy elements that made it just bizarre enough to really make its point. now i'm reading elle et lui and red, white, and royal blue, both of which are lovely so far in their own right. the latter is just cute and funny; it's literally made me laugh out loud so it's just a joy to read in all its silliness.

my aunt told me i look taller, my hair is so long and beautiful, i look radiant. that was really kind and i really appreciated it.

i wonder if i actually look that different to other people.

i still don't think i do.

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