reading and 4w3
18.06.20 | 8:58 pm

being here at home, i have become a voracious reader again. i find myself aching to sit in the sun with my book, to curl up in my bed -- anywhere, so long as i can disappear into these stories. tomorrow i'll finish my third book since i've been back, and i'm halfway through another already as well. it is a relief to be wrapped up in someone else's head, to see the world as someone else sees it. to get out of my own thoughts for a while.

--

i've been doing more research into the enneagram again. listening to podcast episodes, mostly. but one really struck me -- it explained things about fours (and specifically my four wing three) that i hadn't heard expressed so clearly before.

we believed we are cursed, essentially, with this irredeemable deficiency. we are always lacking something that everyone else seems to have, so we are left with this unnameable dissatisfaction with ourselves and our own lives. but we are always trying to find that missing piece in order to feel whole.

this, i think, is why my brain (or my heart?) is so focused on finding someone. i see everyone else around me who has someone with whom they can share their life, those intimate, quiet moments that i so desperately want for myself.

but at the same time, i feel i have to be this unique and special person in order to be seen and loved. add to that my wing three, and i also need to be successful, need to achieve more in order to be seen and loved.

these past few months -- since i stopped dating in february, since the confinement, since i returned home -- have given me such clarity. and i think i'm finally moving towards a more self-actualized place where i understand and believe that i am worthy of love as i am now.

and more than that, that i don't need love (not in this way) in order to be whole.

i spend so much time here talking about the beauty of the friendships i have because it's true. i am so lucky to have the people in my life that i do. and truly, truly: that can be enough.

it is not bad to want love, to ache for it even.

but it won't make me whole. i already am.

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