20.06.20 | 6:55 pm

did my first 10k in kentucky, and my brain keeps saying, but you actually cheated because that was on the treadmill. you can't say you ran 10k if it was on the treadmill. sometimes my brain is just exhausting because nothing is ever good enough. but i think i'm getting better at recognizing when it's being a little ridiculous and turning it off.

another example: yesterday you asked for my netflix password (something i'd offered to give you several times in the past), so i did (after all, you gave me your ocs password when i was in france). but it came after a few days of silence, and now you haven't talked to me today, either. so my brain says: oh, i am only worth talking to when i have something you want. oh, you probably only want my netflix now because you want to watch something with that twin girl you've talked about.

things that i have no actual evidence for. so i've been reminding myself:

this is what you do. you create a narrative that does not exist. you cannot fabricate the reasons behind what someone does or does not do when you have literally no evidence for them.

you can't prescribe a motive that you aren't sure even exists.

stop being so dramatic and making up reasons for you to be sad.

if you want to be sad, just be sad. you don't need something like this to do that.

so, i think i successfully talked myself down from that one.

that's growth, maybe? or something like it?

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