28.06.20 | 7:41 pm

it’s so strange how one day, one moment, i can look on my body so lovingly, and the next, look on my body with such hatred.

so it continues.

i ran five miles today. i also decided i’d like to be able to run ten miles by the end of the summer, before i go back to france. we shall see how it goes.

i find myself so entwined in these fictional worlds i place myself in. i invest so much emotional energy into them that i wonder if it’s actual a positive thing — perhaps this is actually a personal flaw.

perhaps those fictional worlds are the reason i expect so much and, after all, expectation is essentially the root of all evil.

it makes me sad how excited i was to get your message today, after five days, about a coffee maker. how i struggled to continue the conversation. but soon we’ll be officially done with this.

a bit scatter brained, i suppose, aren’t i, lately?

tonight my parents and i and trav and kels sat in the kitchen and just had a lovely conversation. i love actually feeling close to my family. i love knowing exactly what they’re talking about and referring to.

and then i have moments, silly, stupid moments of thoughts like: you’d get along with my family, actually, i think.

i need a veritable distraction, but normally, the new distraction would be a human person who can pay attention to me and who can give me what i was missing before.


i watched the show the great and this quote really struck me:

“I promised myself a great love. That didn’t work out. Then I realized... it is a great life that I want.”

and some days i feel that so strongly.

and some days i spent my afternoon chasing after these beautiful, wonderful kids i’m somehow related to, and i ache for someone to love me, for a child to hold.

that’s just how it goes.

i’m so tired. i should just read and go to sleep.

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