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28.06.20 | 7:41 pm
so it continues.
i ran five miles today. i also decided i’d like to be able to run ten miles by the end of the summer, before i go back to france. we shall see how it goes.
i find myself so entwined in these fictional worlds i place myself in. i invest so much emotional energy into them that i wonder if it’s actual a positive thing — perhaps this is actually a personal flaw.
perhaps those fictional worlds are the reason i expect so much and, after all, expectation is essentially the root of all evil.
it makes me sad how excited i was to get your message today, after five days, about a coffee maker. how i struggled to continue the conversation. but soon we’ll be officially done with this.
a bit scatter brained, i suppose, aren’t i, lately?
tonight my parents and i and trav and kels sat in the kitchen and just had a lovely conversation. i love actually feeling close to my family. i love knowing exactly what they’re talking about and referring to.
and then i have moments, silly, stupid moments of thoughts like: you’d get along with my family, actually, i think.
i need a veritable distraction, but normally, the new distraction would be a human person who can pay attention to me and who can give me what i was missing before.
alas.
i watched the show the great and this quote really struck me:
“I promised myself a great love. That didn’t work out. Then I realized... it is a great life that I want.”
and some days i feel that so strongly.
and some days i spent my afternoon chasing after these beautiful, wonderful kids i’m somehow related to, and i ache for someone to love me, for a child to hold.
that’s just how it goes.
i’m so tired. i should just read and go to sleep.