03.07.20 | 3:29 pm

a few things.

today, as we were having a conversation, this thought crossed my mind: sometimes i talk to you and just think, how was i ever interested in you romantically?

it happened the same way it did with matt: you gave me attention. you talked to me all the time. we learned about each other.

and that, to me, is what romance is? sort of?

but eventually, the same thing would’ve happened. we would’ve actually gotten to know each other, and sooner or later, i would realize that you aren’t like anything i actually want in my life.

(have i written this exact kind of entry before? have i already realized this before? probably.)

we wouldn’t even be compatible. eventually, i would’ve realized that.

i am having negative feelings about my body. being home, being in america honestly, is letting me eat more and eat more unhealthily than i was in france. i am exercising a lot to try to balance that, but then i just become exhausted.

the refrain i read in my diary is that i feel swollen, that i am taking up too much space. that is how i continue to feel.

there were pictures of me taken in my bathing suit yesterday. i really liked how i looked.

i don’t want to lose this.

and this is what i’m always so afraid of at this stage — of slowly going back to how i was before, which i inevitably do...

it’s exhausting.

i rewatched that episode of parks and rec where ben and leslie officially get back together, in the smallest park in indiana, and when they kiss, i just started crying.

i want that so badly and i hate that i want it so badly.

last night, my brother asked me if i was ever still sad about matt. and i’m not. and i asked him and my sister-in-law if anyone in our family is worried about me, being thirty and as single as you could possibly be, and luckily they said no.

but people make comments sometimes. my parents will say reasons why they think i’m not married, for example. i guess it makes me self-conscious.

it’s not even that i want to be married *right now* or have a baby *right now* (though i adore running around with my nephew playing hide and seek, or going out with my niece, or just holding the babies in the family). but i wish it even felt attainable at this point.

i am so tired, i just want to nap.

i’ve been lagging on my french studying and when i do this, it always starts to feel insurmountable — yet when i’m regularly practicing, it all starts to feel easier. obviously. if i could just keep myself from stopping.

i’m going to nap.

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