downside of a compliment
12.07.20 | 8:17 pm

last night, when my sister-in-law morgan came in, she said, "wow tia! you really have lost weight. you've been wearing baggier clothes but tonight i can really tell. you look great."

and i felt so much happiness because of what she said, followed by extreme guilt for feeling happy about it. it's as though, in regards to my body, i just can't win. (and really, what a silly, silly problem to have and complain about.)

it's still so strange to think that my body must look slightly different, to the point where people can notice it. i wish i could move through the world under the notion that no one noticed or cared about my body... at all.

and yet it's nice to hear a positive comment. to see a picture and think i look pretty.

these are things i am still working out. regardless, i continue to do my strength workouts, my daily yoga, my runs. when i hit a rough week (like this last one) where i don't want to workout, i can slow myself down and not be overcome with fear that all of it is over.

it's been a rough week because i've been feeling emotions more intensely for various reasons. i hold onto my emotions physically -- i can always feel it in my shoulders, in my gut. it makes my body sore and makes me want to roll up in a ball and sleep forever.

but i'm trying to improve. i'll do yoga to open my heart space. i'll ask for the apology i need, even though it should've been offered beforehand. i'll do what i can in an attempt to quiet my mind, no matter how difficult it is.

i've made a list of a few yoga poses i'd like to advance toward to give myself more a direction there. i am looking forward to that progress.

i'm so tired this whole past week. i should get to sleep early.

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