would it be enough if i could never give you peace?
29.07.20 | 4:53 pm

i tried running two days ago. i made it a mile without issue (running very slowly, mind you). then, i took a quick walking break because i didn't want to push my calf too far. i decided to try to run another mile, and after a quarter, my calf was hurting so much i had to stop.

tonight i am going to try again.

it's strange, seeing the effects not running has on me, since i've been doing it pretty regularly for a few months now.

without it, i am much more susceptible to sensory overload. for example: there are always so many fucking people in this house, making so much fucking noise, and it makes me feel like i can't concentrate on what i need to do, and it crawls up my back and into my shoulders, and it makes me want to scream or move out or get in my car and drive.

that's just one of the effects.


it looks as though i might go to see tanay next weekend. i'm halfway between "i can do what i want" and "this won't make me feel good" and "why can't i have fun" feelings.

i'm just trying to remind myself that it could be nice to let loose and not take things so seriously.

more and more, there are intense pangs to see someone new, to have someone i look forward to talking to. i'd like someone's arm around me. tanay doesn't really like to cuddle.


i told you about my friend who died and you took a day and a half to respond, "aw shit il [sic] sorry". that was yesterday.

i still haven't responded.

it's vaguely reminiscent of when i texted matt that jenna had killed herself and he responded, literally, with "lol" and changing the subject.

no one else has to manage my emotions and i know i can't expect everyone to respond the way i want them to. but a modicum of respect, i think, would be nice.

there is such a big piece of me that just wants to talk and explain myself to people all of the time. and i recognize that this part of me can be overwhelming. i think i'm even tiring myself out.

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