"i liked your body then and i'll love it now too"
15.08.20 | 8:53 pm

i am officially going to see tanay next weekend. we decided it last night, when i was drunk out of my mind because i drank an entire bottle of wine while watching pitch perfect 2 and pitch perfect 3 with my family, almost crying when they were in europe going to four countries in four days, ending up in the south of france where i'll probably never get to return... i'm getting off track.

so yeah, i was drunk out of my mind.

and he texted asking to see me.

in my drunken state, i was very honest. "are you going to be cuddly?" i asked. "i need you to be cuddly. you have to want to sit next to me on the couch and play with my hair and touch me if i come over."

he said he would.

and i also told him that if he wanted to see me, he had to pick a day, in advance, and not "play it by ear" or wait until the day of to confirm it. so he told me, "next friday. put it in your calendar!"

and we exchanged a few pictures before falling asleep.

today, when we were talking again -- because he realizes now that i need cute talk leading up to stuff, not just hey come over -- he asked me: "by the way, have you lost weight? i just felt that in the pics?" so i said yeah, not expecting much beyond that.

but what he said next was so kind and unexpected.

he said, "well, i liked your body then and i'll love it now too."

so lowkey, so chill, and so fucking kind. this idea that there has never been anything wrong with my body -- even as it changes, it -- and i -- can be desirable.

it's such a strange thing, really, how some men react to my body. i've had some who seemed afraid to touch the softer parts of me, and others who grab at everything, unworried at all.

casey, before he left today, handed me a photo from 2014. it was me, holding lane as a baby.

and i look so... swollen.

and it might sound stupid to say, but i don't think at the time that i ever realized i looked like that.

which also makes me think: maybe now i look worse than i think, too.


i suppose casey is kicked out of the house. again. we think he is probably on meth again. i don't know; i'm so tired. it's so exhausting caring about someone who hates themselves so much and doesn't care to even attempt to improve. not for his own sake, not for his children's sake. no one's. i don't want to talk about it anymore.


i wish i could focus more, i want to write things in a better way, a more poetic way, but more than that, i just want to get my thoughts down.

this week i was reminded of watching the graduate for the first time, with matt in our first apartment, us splitting a bottle (or two, who knows) of wine and at one point me lying in the floor, enthralled with this movie, the lights out, feeling so sad at the end.

i wanted to write about how i deleted hinge and got bumble instead and it's still horrible and i hate everyone.

about how nicolas and i are back to talking about dating all the time and that's okay because we were never ever ever ever gonna be a thing and i swear to god i must have made it all up in my head but i also swear to god that we fucking talked constantly, all god damn day, for months!!!! so who knows, really. friendship i guess. everything is weird and it doesn't matter, i don't know why i just want to be proved right.

i'm so so so so so so so fucking tired today

about how chris and i found each other on bumble though and how even though i'd never want to actually date him, he's a nice guy and it's nice to catch up actually.

about the pool party today and how i always have to plan these things and make all these decisions and i feel like no one actually really appreciate any of it. but it's fine.

about how i've been watching married at first sight.

about how scared i am of losing my french skills. this. this is real bad. about how scared i am i'll never get to go back. it literally just makes me want to cry. i feel very stuck here. and i don't want to.

i should go to sleep

i should try writing every day again so this doesn't all build up

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