be better
17.08.20 | 8:02 pm
one of my problems is that i put so many expectations on everything. so i'm trying to let that go. he might answer me. he might not. he might want to meet me. he might not. and all of those outcomes are okay. (they really are.)
--
it's so easy to eat poorly here. my family eats out several times a week, it frustrates them sometimes that i want to actually cook (this has to do with the dishes), and there are snacks upon snacks for the kids that are just there at all times.
i feel swollen.
i miss feeling light. still eating what i wanted, still drinking what i wanted, but walking everywhere and moving so much during the day that it didn't matter.
i have to be better.
--
it is emma's eighth birthday. she is a crazy dog but i love her and it's amazing to me that i've had her this long, that she's traveled from kentucky to colorado to kentucky to france to kentucky again with me. what a perfect little companion.
--
so much of this year has been filled with self-discovery and reflections on who i am and what i want and why i do things.
but an equal amount of this year has been a negative thought spiral of hate toward myself and my circumstances.
i don't know, maybe that's balance, but i really would like to put some effort into being more positive again. not only for other people (that's one of my strong suits), but more so just for myself.
i'm so utterly frustrated with the possibility of not going to france, equally excited about having money again, equally devastated to be in my hometown again, equally pumped about actually spending some time with my friends, equally shattered that if i don't go back now, what if i can't ever actually get back in the same capacity?
i don't like the feeling of being trapped by my circumstances, and that is what i have felt for the entirety of 2020. jesus, january, being enamored with hugo, meeting friends in bars down the street, it feels so fucking long ago. how could that have been this year?
i've got to do better.
i've got to be better.