i can't think of an appropriate title for this.
23.08.20 | 4:37 pm

it is so strange to let someone touch you when you are completely devoid of feeling for them.

he's lovely, though, in general, as a human being. he made me curry with roti in the evening and chai tea in the morning. he hand-fed me bites of mint chocolate chip ice cream off of his spoon in the middle of the night.

he played me the song he's been working on. he played me "i want it that way" and we sang it together as i sat across from him on his bed.

we drank wine and we talked on the patio about the things we lacked and the things we were looking for. so much talk about standards (and how ours weren't too high) and ambition (and how much we need to see it in other people).

i held him in bed, stroking his hair, as he told me about his ex-girlfriend and why they broke up. we swiped through each others' dating apps, comparing the terrible bios, the terrible pictures, the terribleness of it all.

he let me talk about france as much as i wanted.

he's kind. but i feel absolutely nothing toward him. and i'm sure he feels the same way.

"let's do this again sometime," he said. and i said sure.

but i don't know if i can.


i am oscillating between being completely devoid, completely empty of anything, and wanting to break down and cry.

i ran for an hour, did a forty-minute arm workout, did yoga for thirty minutes, and walked emma for an hour, all in an attempt to keep all of the feelings at bay. if i physically move my body enough, maybe i don't have to address what's going on in my head. maybe i'll tire myself out so much that i can't think about it.

but that's not how it works.

it's real now. the fact that i'm here. again. the fact that i'm teaching at my old high school. again. the fact that -- the feeling that -- i am stuck, again, in a town i don't want to be, without the opportunity to really take advantage. i have my family here and for that i am eternally grateful. but everything else...

someone once gave me a piece of advice that was to the tune of, "whatever decision you make right now, it is for, at the most, the next year. so think of it that way, in pieces." that's not word-for-word by any means. but it would do me well to see things in that light again.

this is my current reality.

it is not where i want to be. but that does not mean i am trapped. i have security. i have the means to save and plan for something better in the future.

it is all going to be okay.

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