emma is so cute sleeping on my bed
31.08.20 | 8:30 pm

spent my morning happily distracted at work because i received news that my academy in france will shift our program dates to start in november and end at the end of may. it felt so weirdly meant to be that i mistakenly told my whole family already, when i should've kept it to myself, because then i had to listen to my dad talk to me (again) about how smart it would be to just stay for the year, save more money, go back next year, and lowkey guilt me by saying he and mom would probably not be able to visit next year anyway.

it is still a lot to (rightly) think about.

i would hate to cross the world just to be confined to a tiny apartment again, by myself, unable to actually live the experience.

but it felt briefly, after reading that email, as though my life were actually moving forward again.

as though, if i could just get back there for one more year, i could come home and finally start trying to plant roots somewhere.

who knows what a year could bring?

--

after i said last night that i would purposefully pull away, you texted me this morning.

i wish my brain had something better to do than think of you.

sometimes i still think of the text you sent me out of the blue, way after the conversation had passed, days and days after, when you said, "do you ever see yourself staying in france?" i was walking out of the grocery as i read it with my friend who was visiting, and i remember smiling and saying, "he can't ask me questions like this." (i can't even explain now how clear it felt to me in the moment that this meant something. god, it's so silly. it's embarrassing, really. i hate even writing it down.)

i have a double-sided problem:

either i read into everything when nothing is actually there (see above)

or i convince myself that there's no way anyone could ever be interested in me even with a boat load of evidence to the contrary (see the entire six months before i became matt's girlfriend)

sometimes i can't believe how much i let myself read into such innocuous messages. it is clear now that you just needed someone to talk to. after all, you'd recently ended a six-year relationship. and i needed someone to talk to just as equally because i didn't want to randomly date anymore.

so we became friends.

and that's all it's ever been.

--

my body is so tired.

i bought new running shoes today and after my very short run, i am afraid i made a poor decision (even though i know i need to break them in a little).

after my workout i took a shower but just stood there in the hot water for ten minutes, trying so hard to warm up. i'm worried i might be a little under the weather.

all i really want to do is sleep and eat. i am so voraciously hungry lately. i don't understand!

i should hop in bed and read until i fall asleep.

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