i am such a sucker for some shitty unrequited love
15.09.20 | 9:56 pm

okay so this is going to be a very annoying, very stupid entry but i've gotta get it out of my head and isn't that what this is for


one of the reasons that this book is getting to me so much is not only that i want that kind of connection that they seem to have, but because, for some truly inexplicable reason, i felt like we had, for a while, a rather intense connection as well

(that can't be all in my head -- like, legitimately, it can't be)

and i start thinking of all the ways i screwed something up or closed myself off but not exactly purposefully

like when we were talking about instagram and you asked me if i had a lot of followers and i said something like "oh no, my instagram is only for my friends, i don't let people i don't know follow me" and then you dropped it and i only later realized that looked like i was blocking you off from it

and my later attempts to bring it back up were not responded to by you in the way i had hoped

and then i didn't know where to go from there

plus a few weeks ago i accidentally liked a picture on your dumb instagram, which isn't private, and which is easy to find because it's literally just your name, and i unliked it immediately but what if you're some kind of psycho that has the pop-up notifications and you still saw it and just never even addressed it?

i am writing all of this and i went back and reread some of our recent conversations and i just

what am i even doing honestly

i think you just aren't going to respond, maybe ever again

(and then you probably will respond, and i will feel dumb for writing literally anything ever, because that's what normally happens)


i hate myself for writing this

and i hate myself for feeling, for some reason, like i can never actually say any of it out loud

(maybe if we were in the same country again, i think, but even that...)

i want to ram my head into the wall over and over again until all of this finally falls out


(i am torn between declaring "i know nothing will ever come from this and there was nothing much to this to begin with" and "wow i should've said something when there was more a legitimate chance i guess because that connection was there whether you like it or not")

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