i am such a sucker for some shitty unrequited love
15.09.20 | 9:56 pm
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one of the reasons that this book is getting to me so much is not only that i want that kind of connection that they seem to have, but because, for some truly inexplicable reason, i felt like we had, for a while, a rather intense connection as well
(that can't be all in my head -- like, legitimately, it can't be)
and i start thinking of all the ways i screwed something up or closed myself off but not exactly purposefully
like when we were talking about instagram and you asked me if i had a lot of followers and i said something like "oh no, my instagram is only for my friends, i don't let people i don't know follow me" and then you dropped it and i only later realized that looked like i was blocking you off from it
and my later attempts to bring it back up were not responded to by you in the way i had hoped
and then i didn't know where to go from there
plus a few weeks ago i accidentally liked a picture on your dumb instagram, which isn't private, and which is easy to find because it's literally just your name, and i unliked it immediately but what if you're some kind of psycho that has the pop-up notifications and you still saw it and just never even addressed it?
i am writing all of this and i went back and reread some of our recent conversations and i just
what am i even doing honestly
i think you just aren't going to respond, maybe ever again
(and then you probably will respond, and i will feel dumb for writing literally anything ever, because that's what normally happens)
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i hate myself for writing this
and i hate myself for feeling, for some reason, like i can never actually say any of it out loud
(maybe if we were in the same country again, i think, but even that...)
i want to ram my head into the wall over and over again until all of this finally falls out
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(i am torn between declaring "i know nothing will ever come from this and there was nothing much to this to begin with" and "wow i should've said something when there was more a legitimate chance i guess because that connection was there whether you like it or not")