i am such a sucker for some shitty unrequited love
15.09.20 | 9:56 pm


okay so this is going to be a very annoying, very stupid entry but i've gotta get it out of my head and isn't that what this is for

--

one of the reasons that this book is getting to me so much is not only that i want that kind of connection that they seem to have, but because, for some truly inexplicable reason, i felt like we had, for a while, a rather intense connection as well

(that can't be all in my head -- like, legitimately, it can't be)

and i start thinking of all the ways i screwed something up or closed myself off but not exactly purposefully

like when we were talking about instagram and you asked me if i had a lot of followers and i said something like "oh no, my instagram is only for my friends, i don't let people i don't know follow me" and then you dropped it and i only later realized that looked like i was blocking you off from it

and my later attempts to bring it back up were not responded to by you in the way i had hoped

and then i didn't know where to go from there

plus a few weeks ago i accidentally liked a picture on your dumb instagram, which isn't private, and which is easy to find because it's literally just your name, and i unliked it immediately but what if you're some kind of psycho that has the pop-up notifications and you still saw it and just never even addressed it?

i am writing all of this and i went back and reread some of our recent conversations and i just

what am i even doing honestly

i think you just aren't going to respond, maybe ever again

(and then you probably will respond, and i will feel dumb for writing literally anything ever, because that's what normally happens)

--

i hate myself for writing this

and i hate myself for feeling, for some reason, like i can never actually say any of it out loud

(maybe if we were in the same country again, i think, but even that...)

i want to ram my head into the wall over and over again until all of this finally falls out

--

(i am torn between declaring "i know nothing will ever come from this and there was nothing much to this to begin with" and "wow i should've said something when there was more a legitimate chance i guess because that connection was there whether you like it or not")


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