stress stress baby
19.09.20 | 9:10 pm

i know it is just because i am tired, because this work week (plus for real having addi) has been really tiring, but it's 9pm and i'm in a bit of a negative space about myself. it's fine, and i know it'll pass, but the thoughts that come are: you should've run today (yesterday's run was shit), you should've walked emma, it's your fault she doesn't like kids, your french is really bad, why haven't you improved more, you should've realized it's gonna be matt's 40th birthday so he needs his own specific party and not one that's combined with dad's, why haven't you picked a new book to read in english yet, you are so close to the goodreads goal that you should've finished it by now, also you have a stupid chin hair that will not go away and that's so dumb.

i had two equally unsettling dreams last night, but the one that stuck with me was that i got my contract, but i was being sent to somewhere entirely different than i was supposed to go. for some reason, two of my brothers were drug addicts, one of their faces was so read i can still see it, and i was trying to help them while also trying to get to where i was actually supposed to go.

it was all a bit stressful i suppose.

and this coming work week is going to be very stressful as i attempt to actually get my classroom together (and hopefully they will actually get the computers out...), as i try to catch up on grading, as i try to clean everything and get all the disinfecting products together, as i try to keep planning my lessons way ahead of time.

i'm just very tired. and stressed.

but i'm okay.

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