should i stay or should i go now...
07.10.20 | 5:14 pm

after learning all of that, i wrapped myself up in my comforter (straight from the dryer) and just laid on my bed for about... ten minutes.

and that was enough to pull myself out of whatever hole i was starting to spiral down.

this literally isn't even about him. and in fact, it's almost more freeing. i feel like i can make a decision with a legitimately clear head.

because the fact remains that if either of us felt any sort of way, we should have said something before, and neither of us did because, at the heart of it, we (or at least i) knew it was illogical and, really, nonsensical. which is fine, even though i often think about how i'd like someone to love me despite all logic.

anyway, i do actually feel fine.

maybe i will be alone forever. but that's okay. it's not the end of the world. and really, it's not even that likely.

now i'm sitting here trying to actually weigh out my options.

and i know the logical choice: to stay here, save money (literally i can save over $15,000, honestly closer to $20,000, as well as pay off my student loan), be with my family (especially during this mess with my brother and niece and her mom) and friends, and ride out any "leftover" effects of the pandemic here. (note: i know the pandemic is not over.)

and i know what the whimsical choice is, the one i would in a lot of ways prefer: go back to france. but: are there going to be as many opportunities to meet new people amidst the virus stuff? will going to bars and restaurants be as okay? will i be able to travel as freely? essentially: is it going to be worth the trouble?

i talked about all this in my french lesson today, and my tutor was asking me why i want to go back so badly in the middle of all this. and i said something that's true: that those first four or five months i was in france? they were the happiest i've been in my recent life. (could i be idealizing / romanticizing? why yes, yes i could be.)

but let's look at what will be different:
-my friends have all moved to different cities (that i can visit) (and i do still have some kind of community there, people i can see and hang out with, so that's comforting)
-masks will make communicating in a second language slightly more difficult (lol)
-dating will probably be more difficult
-meeting people at random will probably be more difficult
-traveling to other places will be more difficult (many countries are now requiring people visiting from france to quarantine when they arrive in said country for 7-14 days)

the truth is that i feel like if i don't go, this opportunity completely passes me by, when it's entirely possible for me to just go again next year...

but then -- am i attempting to hinge this on the fact that i'll have more actual dating opportunities in france? or simply more language opportunities? (is there a difference? hahaha)

it's all tied to this idea that i want this very exciting life, i want to do cool things, i want to be bilingual, i want to experience something better than this small town life i am living now.

i just hate having to make the actual choice.

there will be more thoughts on this later.

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