my stomach feels weird every night
14.10.20 | 9:13 pm

i am feeling more confident in my decision to stay (even though i spent the last two hours in this weird physically anxious state because everything was too loud in this house). lots of zones in france are now under curfew from 9pm - 6am. i can't imagine this is going to drastically improve during the winter. even here -- we have at least four confirmed cases in my school system. (this doesn't actually worry me personally, but a county over, they have switched to virtual school for two weeks because at least ten teachers were confirmed to have it or had to be quarantined due to close proximity, and there aren't enough subs to cover it.)

it still sucks, but it was the right decision.

--

i paid off nearly half of what was still owed on my student loan today, and now i only owe $700 and then it's gone. so once i get my next paycheck, i'll just pay it off, and that'll be that, i suppose.

then i can keep throwing money at my savings. (since i started teaching for real again, i've been throwing at least $1,000 in my savings each month -- closer to $1,300.) i am very lucky to live here, in a cheap area, for free in my parents' house, without any real bills.

my baby brother was talking about buying a lot down the street and building a house and it just reminded me of how young i feel about so many things. buying a house feels so, so far away from me. everything like that does. those classic "adulthood" markers -- i haven't hit that many of them, really.

not that i haven't gotten great things in exchange. but still.

--

things already feel... boring.

i already need something to spice this up.

but alas, here i am, and everything is... bland.

i know a lot of people say that interesting things will happen when you least expect them, but really, i think it's all bullshit.

i am trying to make a list of things i should do during my "year at home." like, in an effort to take control, make it interesting. i don't know if it will work. but i can't hurt.

--

we can be the kinds of friends who send each other links to apartments and ask each other language questions and that can honestly be enough.

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