21.10.20 | 8:18 pm

i had about two hours of actual solitude today, completely alone in this house. it's one of those things that you aren't aware just how much you need until you have it once again.

i spent my time in my tiny apartment in france doing what i wanted, when i wanted, (generally) only hearing the sounds i wanted to hear (unless it was my neighbor's music in the last two months or so).

now, people wake me up thirty minutes before my alarm because they're banging on things in the kitchen, right next to my bedroom. now, my niece barges into my room without knocking. now, i spend all of the time in my room hearing conversations that flow throughout the entire house.

it's impossible to have a real sense of peace.

i can feel the anxiety crawl up my spine and spread into my shoulders. sometimes it goes straight to my gut.

i need so much time alone.

actually alone.


i mean, things are fine. my students don't do their work on the days they aren't at school. i'm really just tired, like, all the time. my family's halloween party is saturday and i'm going to be the cat's pajamas. i might apply to teach at the summer camp type thing i did my junior year and i think it might actually be cool. online dating is bad because no one knows how to have a conversation. i would like to go to sleep and maybe cry but i don't know why, i think it's just a build up of emotions or stress. but honestly i'm pretty good atm.

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