i could fall asleep right at this desk
25.10.20 | 6:03 pm

on sundays, i've started giving myself permission to just stay in bed and read. so that's what i've been doing: waking up, rolling over to open up a book, and lounging around until eleven or noon. it feels luxurious.

maybe it's just that it feels nice to not constantly beat myself up for not being productive 100% of the time.

the other day, i decided to give myself "a day off" just to relax. so i wrote out a to-do list for activities to complete in order to relax.

yeah, i know.

i'm ridiculous.


i think i will likely delete the dating app again. the few people i do match with (due to distance) are so boring and incapable of having a real conversation. they'll ask me a question, i'll answer it, and they won't say anything about my answers. i'll ask them for theirs, and ask them questions about it, and attempt to actually connect on something, but they are giving me... nothing.

so i'm probably better off not worrying about it.


my family had our halloween party last night. i know i've felt this way pretty much always, but more often than not, these things just make me anxious. i have so much to do (food, decorating, drinks, etc.) that i'm worried about that, worried things aren't as good as they should have been and maybe people are cognizant of that.

like, mom bought a new trophy for the costume contest, but we couldn't use it because my nephew was scared of it, so she said we'd use the old trophy that i made instead. okay: cool. taken care of. but as we are about to start the contest, i find out she can't find the old trophy, doesn't know where it is at all. okay: thanks. great.

no one in my family is ever on the same page as i am.

and sometimes when you make apple pies from scratch, you just want compliments, not criticisms on what to do differently next time or what it would be better with. like, take the fucking pies i baked, eat them, and be happy.


i'm very tired today. i didn't do my workouts because i'm tired and because it's cold and i just wanna curl up in bed and read. but i've got to reread othello now for my classes, and then i need to read my french book for my mind, and i might watch a documentary in french too, all before i go to sleep.

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