thoughts
27.10.20 | 9:48 am

it is important to reflect and figure out why i’m feeling this way. in these moments, i get needy, and i want more than i deserve. i want someone to focus on me and what’s the matter with me, but everyone has their own life and their own problems, and mine are not the center of the universe. i know this.

but i’ve been saying i want to run away into the woods and be away from everyone for a while. i don’t know why exactly. everything feels very heavy at the moment.

i suppose i wish i had someone i directly felt like talking to and who could then sit next to me and watch tv with me and stroke my hair. but i don’t have that, and now every message i get on the app just makes me angry.

the people who want something from me make me angry. i feel that there’s not enough of me right now to give.

did this sprout from the recognition, again, that i should leave a specific person alone? that no matter what i do, it’s the wrong thing? maybe.

i thought i’d feel better after my run yesterday, but i should’ve run more, farther, faster, something to physically tire me out.

i emailed my bosses to see if they’d write me recommendations for this program i want to teach at and they haven’t answered me yet.

my friend i talked about yesterday is talking constantly about herself today and i truly don’t have the energy for it. maybe i am being a bad friend.

i am in a state where i’m focusing on what i don’t have instead of what i do.

this will all be fine and it will all pass, but i don’t feel good right now, there’s too much responsibility for too many other people, and i honestly want to be left alone (until i learn how to not be needy and annoying ever again, something i truly need to work on).

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