01.11.20 | 8:54 pm

i weirdly spent a lot of today worried that my friend was dead (because he hadn’t [still hasn’t] been on the app we communicate on all weekend, which was strange, especially because i sent a message that he never read) and focusing on the fact that, if he were dead, it’s entirely likely that there’s no one in his friends or family who would know who i am or whether i ought to be notified.

plus, the last conversation we had was about death, and that’s a little too on the nose.

anyway, i came home to see that he used my netflix for the first time in literal months, so... i guess he’s not dead. he’s just watching arrow and american horror story, i guess.

but it’s made me think a lot about what is at the heart of this. and one of my friends put it really well when they said, “i wonder if this worry is mostly about whether or not you are significant to be notified if they do die.”

which...feels accurate.

and feels very silly.

i’ve said it before, but i think i really am mostly through this. it’s just, sometimes there are days when things like this happen, and it hits hard, and then i spend the day thinking of him, when it’s entirely unnecessary.

it will pass with time. more time.

i actually had a lovely weekend. i stayed at my best friend’s house and yesterday i visited the city where i went to undergrad and was able to visit my lovely friend kari (and finally meet her now one-year-old baby) as well as my friend sarah (who i hadn’t seen in eight years!). i spent most of the day walking around campus and reminiscing. nostalgia is a powerful drug, isn’t it?

it made me think about the different choices i made when i was younger and how i’ve been led to where i am (which, all things considered, i’m actually really proud of and happy with). there was a lot of reflection.

i am thinking i might do some kind of creative journaling challenge like i did at the start of quarantine. it helped me figure a lot out and it might be something to help me feel better.

it’s going to be dark at 5pm now, which is terrible.

and i’m already just mentally tired. not physically, but my brain isn’t able to handle as much.

election day is tuesday.

i hope we can move forward but i’d be lying if i said i had any real hope.

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