this took a turn i guess idk
02.11.20 | 6:43 pm

i will become enamored with anyone who pays me a significant amount of attention and divulges any kind of secret or emotion to me.

for him, it was late february. i was on a seven-hour train ride back from bordeaux, nearly sick, going through tissues like mad. i attempted to read my book, even had a short conversation with the teenage girl on what it was about, but it wasn't holding my attention. and then he started texting me.

we talked for most of the five hours that was left, talked while i ate lunch in the sun in nimes while i waited for my connecting train. he told me about his breakup, super "we were on a break" vibes there, and i told him about mish.

he had also remembered my birthday without any kind of prompting, and i found that quite kind.

but when i look back at these conversations now, i feel as though i was always a bit misguided. to a point.

i wanted to write something different here, but i saw that fernando's girlfriend moved to michigan to be with him i assume, and now i just think i might actually be alone forever. like, i might actually.

this isn't the kind of note i wanted to end on here but it's what i'm getting. so there's that.

it's not like i haven't tried.

and it's not like i haven't just given it a rest and not worried about it, giving that chance for "love to come when you least expect it" to happen i guess, except i didn't expect it then because i just didn't want it.

i've done all the things you should do. and yet.

now there's a fucking pandemic and there's no one, there's no way to meet new people, i am stuck in a small town, and everything is ruined.

i'm not even lowkey devastated by any of these thoughts. it just feels... like that's how it's going to go. like i'm resigned to this fate. i'm tired.

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