back to the basement
23.11.20 | 5:34 pm

it finally (belatedly) occurred to me what these dreams i've been constantly having are about -- these dreams where i wake up one day, fully pregnant, ready to give birth in a matter of days or hours without any preparation at all.

it's what having addi here full time feels like.

the amount of energy that goes into working on her schoolwork, trying to entertain her in ways that aren't on a smartphone, teaching her how to deal with her emotions or how to be polite...

and all out of nowhere, starting just a couple of months ago.

continuing at least until next october. (at least until i return to france?)

i am constantly worrying that i am doing something wrong. that if i don't try harder, she won't be prepared for next year, when/if she does go back to her mom. that even if i do try, and it does work, it won't matter when/if she does go back to her mom.

it's tiring.


i stopped mid-run (after 3.5 miles) because my ipad was about to die (because addi ran it down last night and neglected to put it on the charger). so i'm trying to wait about twenty minutes and then i'm going to try to run 2.1 more miles.

if i do that, then i will have run 50 miles so far this month (with a week left to go).


the feelings regarding my body swing violently from one day to the next.

yesterday: admiring myself in the mirror, proud of the quad muscles that are visibly poking out of my legs now, feeling taller and more capable.

today: even after running, even after yoga and a long walk with emma, feeling bloated, like i'm taking up too much space, like none of this is ever going to matter anyway.

i am legitimately not preoccupied with weight loss by any means. i have maybe weighed myself twice in the last two months. but it is hard not to look at yourself in the mirror and have criticisms, no matter where you are.


i've been talking to someone named jake on bumble. he can actually hold a conversation and he doesn't mind that i live 50 miles away from him.


this past weekend, i finally moved back into the basement, and it feels totally and completely mine. i have a sitting area, my bed, my workout area, my desk area, and my reading area, all together in the open space with my giant windows with so much light (until 5pm). it is so, so lovely to feel that i have some sense of privacy again. (even if there is a curtain for a door.)

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