i guess this is just me complaining a lot
20.12.20 | 11:09 am

me: *can't eat very much because this medicine nauseates me*

my family: wow, i wish i were like that! it must be nice to not want to eat everything.

yes. i love feeling so sick to my stomach that i can barely finish eating an egg. it is preferable to being able to eat and enjoy food. yes. cool.


the only thing i really want to do over this break is read. i have to do a lot of work, actually, but i mostly want to read the books that have been sitting on my shelf or nightstand for a while.

i feel okay at the moment. as close to normal as i've felt in a few weeks, anyway. sometimes my breath still catches or my face flushes and i wonder if it's the start of a panic attack. but it hasn't been.

yesterday was my family's ugly sweater party and for the most part i felt fine. i was incredibly nervous while getting things ready, while my dad micromanaged everything i was doing and asked the same questions over and over again, and while bret straight up told me to just shut up after i asked them to talk more quietly because why does everyone have to yell?

once everyone arrived, it was better. i mostly played with tate the whole time, carried and hugged him when he was upset, let him jump into the "sparkles" that were meant to be the backdrop for our photos. it is so cute hearing him say, "i missed you! i love you!" out of nowhere.

i feel like if anyone knows, they just think i'm stupid or, in my dad's words, weak-minded. everyone else in my family who has gotten the same anxiety diagnosis has chosen to stop taking the medicine, to just push through, because i guess they are stronger than me and don't need it. but i don't want to live with the constant thought that i'm going to have a panic attack.

all of this sounds too serious.

as though i am taking it too seriously.

there is no way to win.


i am tired of talking to boys for whom i give this wide, nonjudgmental space to tell me how they feel and what they think and what's happened in their life, to which i try to respond in an interested and caring manner, letting them know that they're okay and it's okay, and who will never be able to offer me the same thing.

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