so this is the new year (but i do feel a little different)
03.01.21 | 7:00 pm

"do you have any new year's traditions?" jake asks me.

after thinking for a bit, i realize i do. "every year, i write at least ten good things that happened or that i did. although i think it will be a bit more difficult this year..."

but when i got home from my walk, i sat down to write my list, and they came pouring out of me. i ended up with twenty before i gave myself a break.

being home with my parents and my nieces and nephews more, being able to see my best friend more, the attention to detail i've paid to my health this year (physical and mental, i suppose), reaching my reading goal, paying off my student loans, my vacation in france, my long walks in the streets of avignon during confinement (with my many pictures, mostly of window cats), among so many others.

despite it all, i was very fortunate in 2020.

and i feel very ready for 2021.


i had a lovely new year, too. i went to sue ellen's and we drank and played games and sang 2000s emo karaoke really loudly.

the day before, when i was still unsure if i'd stay or go home for the nye celebrations, and i woke up with my heart racing and my legs shaking despite my attempts to stop them. i walked in circles, back and forth in the living room, trying to get the energy out of me, not wanting to experience a panic attack in someone else's house, with other people there.

but i am fortunate in the friends i have: the ones who invite me on a walk to get the energy out, who say that we're the ones who can get breakfast and get some air away from everyone else to give me a break.


i've cleaned everything this weekend, before i go back to work tomorrow. everything feels like a fresh start.

i've written some of my goals down, taped them on my wall so i can see them every day.

but if i were going to choose a word to embody what i want out of 2021, it would be this:


i want to give myself a break. work hard, sure, accomplish things, sure. but the past year has given me the ability to let go of the feeling that i have to always be doing something, that i need to prove that i'm doing something exciting with my life, that i'm always learning and traveling, and going going going without ever stopping.

we can stop. i can stop.

we can relax. i can relax.


it's a new year.

let's go.

<< | >>