real cool to spiral this week
11.01.21 | 8:48 pm
he never sent me any kind of apology which is par for the course, i guess. can't be sitting here expecting him to either.
i have a goddamn interview to prepare for that's on friday morning and i can't even get myself to write down more than the facts i already know. can't sit here and imagine how i'd want to teach creative writing to gifted students. i don't know.
i've sat here and had those familiar feelings of hating my body, of hating myself for what i'd eaten, these things i haven't felt this strongly for a really long time. just been berating myself in my head today.
don't wanna open a new book.
don't wanna devote any of my attention to anything new, actually.
do wanna spend more time in the shower coming up with what i should've said to him instead of just asking, "what?" before i walked out the door.
do wanna block him on social media but don't know if i actually will.
would like to not be so hard on myself about all of this.
keep thinking this over and over: "he is never as kind as i think he is."