real cool to spiral this week
11.01.21 | 8:48 pm

this has just thrown me for a loop and i'm back in that mood where i don't want to do anything besides sit on my bed and stare at my phone or sit on my bed and rewatch bojack (which i finished sunday and which i restarted again today).

he never sent me any kind of apology which is par for the course, i guess. can't be sitting here expecting him to either.

i have a goddamn interview to prepare for that's on friday morning and i can't even get myself to write down more than the facts i already know. can't sit here and imagine how i'd want to teach creative writing to gifted students. i don't know.

i've sat here and had those familiar feelings of hating my body, of hating myself for what i'd eaten, these things i haven't felt this strongly for a really long time. just been berating myself in my head today.

don't wanna open a new book.

don't wanna devote any of my attention to anything new, actually.

do wanna spend more time in the shower coming up with what i should've said to him instead of just asking, "what?" before i walked out the door.

do wanna block him on social media but don't know if i actually will.

would like to not be so hard on myself about all of this.

keep thinking this over and over: "he is never as kind as i think he is."

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