end of january, date with jake
31.01.21 | 8:20 pm

i met jake.

we had some delicious indian food, walked around the record store, and bounced around target. we had good conversation.

but i feel nothing. not even when he told me the different things he liked about me.

i felt more on the drive home when i was thinking of you and (your ears must've been burning) you messaged me about something you heard someone say in a video, something in my dialect that i and my friends and my family say all of the time.

it feels consuming: this desire to be back in france, to be back in my own apartment, to be meeting people all of the time, to be talking in my second language and constantly learning something new. i have to keep telling myself that even if i were there now, i wouldn't be having the same experience. not even close.

i got lucky to even get as much as i got.

i want to dress up -- in the dress i wore today, the dress i bought for my birthday last year, the dress i wore the day you canceled plans with me and when my friends asked me, "who are you going on a date with?" and i said, "oh no, it's just a friend" -- i want to dress up, walk down my apartment stairs, make my way to the bar where my friend is waiting for me, a glass of wine already ordered.

there is so much to miss right now. still.

tomorrow is february. my birthday month. the month i will turn thirty-one.

i feel simultaneously content and so far behind.

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