i think i'm sad because my birthday is tomorrow
12.02.21 | 9:47 am

the first two months of the year are usually a bit difficult for me. this year is no different. i'm at this point where isolation feels easier. when someone sends me a message, it feels like a burden to read it, let alone answer it.

my birthday is tomorrow, but we've just had an ice storm, and we're expected to have five inches of snow on monday, so i haven't gone to work for three days, and i probably won't go next week, either. they'll just let us work from home.

but all of this means that my birthday plans have basically been canceled. that's fine, in and of itself, because it's not like you have to celebrate your birthday on the actual day. but after spending my birthday (essentially) alone last year, i was really looking forward to celebrating this year (as limited as it was going to be).

i think i'll try to make myself a cheesecake today. we'll see.


when i think about it, my feelings for you were actually based on so little. it was just that: a feeling. one that made little sense. one that still lingers, despite all of this.


my brain had focused on this weird, stupid, improbable possibility, based on something so minor -- and it has now been disproven. this is also fine, but my heart dropped into my gut.

we all move on, and that's a good thing.

but why does it feel like i am always just stuck in the same spot?

why does it feel like i'm the one who will never move forward?


i downloaded a dating app again. i am feeling nothing again. at this point, it feels as though i will never feel excited by someone, even the possibility of someone, ever again. i know that's not true, but that's the feeling i have right now.

i just deleted the dating app again.

sometimes it feels like this kind of action is equal to me shutting myself off from everyone else in the world. shutting myself off from the possibility of finding someone.

and in some ways, i guess, it is.

but i'm so tired. i don't feel capable of putting in the effort anymore.


this past year has actually been good for me in so many ways, but in so many ways, it feels like it has broken me.


also, the court gave addi's mom custody back. we were supposed to have her until october. and i just don't know what else to say about it.


i have to go run, do my yoga, something. anything to get my mind off all this.

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