i guess my anxiety is flaring
09.03.21 | 6:41 pm

the headaches are different lately. i'm not even sure that i would call them headaches in the traditional sense.

it's this sensation of very brief, dull pain, sometimes only for a few seconds, sometimes a couple of minutes, that sort of travels over my head. it will sit on the right side of my skull for a bit, as it is right now, before moving to the other side, or to the back, or behind one of my eyes.

the thing about having anxiety (for real, diagnosed anxiety with for real, diagnosed panic attacks) is that anytime i now feel anything strange within my body, my anxiety asks me: "what if this is it? what if you're dying? what if it's real this time?"

and to be honest with you, i don't know how to stop it.

my brain will continue thinking about all these possibilities (forever convinced for some reason that i am going to die of a random brain aneurysm) until my heart rate speeds up, until my breathing goes different, until parts of my body try to fall asleep because of the strange breathing pattern.

and it all folds back in on itself.

what if these are symptoms of my untimely death? and not just symptoms of my anxiety?

i recognize that i probably need to be working on my very real, very intense fear of death in some sort of productive way.

but i don't know how.

and truthfully, i don't want to think about it.

i don't want to spend my time googling every day some new "symptom" that honestly just comes along thanks to being an aging human person who exercises and moves and does things.

perhaps it just comes down to this:

i don't want my brain to be my enemy.

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