exercise anxiety, i guess
23.03.21 | 7:50 pm

the sun is out longer and now time feels as though it's passing in hyper speed. there is more to do, more people to see, more places to go. and as happy as that makes me, the annoying, stupid thing getting in my way here is the fact that i still need to find at least an hour and a half, if not two hours, to fit in my two workouts, not to mention the half hour to one full hour of walking my dog. that's most of my night right there.

it all ties back to the anxiety now. i'm afraid if i don't hit all of those things i need to do, if i don't rid myself of as much anxious energy as possible, maybe i'll have another real panic attack, maybe i'll feel like i'm dying again. and i desperately don't want that to happen.

i had the best run i've had in a long while yesterday after i (begrudgingly, guiltily) gave myself a full rest day (minus walking emma and doing yoga) on sunday. and it's a reminder that my body needs, and deserves, real rest.

but the mental block is still there.
the underlying fear (and then the shame of that fear) is still there.

i am so looking forward to going on my little spring break trip with my best friend, but i'd be lying if i said one of my first thoughts wasn't, okay, i need to bring my yoga mat, look up bodyweight strength workouts, and bring my running shoes so that i am not pent up with all of my energy waiting to explode out of me.

and it feels so silly.

it's more like background noise lately, the anxiety. though i felt it when i woke up this weekend and as i ate brunch. it's this constant hum, mostly in the form of oh no, does that random pain in my head or slightly different headache mean i'm going to have a brain aneurysm and die? and other similar thoughts.

it is fine. and i'm getting along fine, honestly.

but it's there.
always in the background.

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