exercise anxiety, i guess
23.03.21 | 7:50 pm
it all ties back to the anxiety now. i'm afraid if i don't hit all of those things i need to do, if i don't rid myself of as much anxious energy as possible, maybe i'll have another real panic attack, maybe i'll feel like i'm dying again. and i desperately don't want that to happen.
i had the best run i've had in a long while yesterday after i (begrudgingly, guiltily) gave myself a full rest day (minus walking emma and doing yoga) on sunday. and it's a reminder that my body needs, and deserves, real rest.
but the mental block is still there.
the underlying fear (and then the shame of that fear) is still there.
i am so looking forward to going on my little spring break trip with my best friend, but i'd be lying if i said one of my first thoughts wasn't, okay, i need to bring my yoga mat, look up bodyweight strength workouts, and bring my running shoes so that i am not pent up with all of my energy waiting to explode out of me.
and it feels so silly.
it's more like background noise lately, the anxiety. though i felt it when i woke up this weekend and as i ate brunch. it's this constant hum, mostly in the form of oh no, does that random pain in my head or slightly different headache mean i'm going to have a brain aneurysm and die? and other similar thoughts.
it is fine. and i'm getting along fine, honestly.
but it's there.
always in the background.