7.5 miles
11.04.21 | 4:39 pm

just completed my longest run i've done so far.

just 7.5 miles, but that seems worth celebrating maybe.

though truly i feel nothing about it right now.


last night i basically laid on my bed and cried -- really ugly cried -- for about two hours. turned on bojack horseman to start all over again. talked to a boy on tinder in french. finally fell asleep exhausted at eleven after chugging half my bottle of water.

i feel empty.

sometimes i think that i just want it too much (which isn't even true -- i spent so much of the last year not actively pursuing any of it) but that's also such a bullshit thing. sometimes things happen and sometimes they don't. they just continue to not happen to me.

i messaged the guy i've been talking to last night to see if he'd like to go out with me again and he literally still hasn't answered me, nearly twenty-four hours later. so that's my answer, i guess.

might be time to delete the apps and what have you again. just bury into my own shell and only worry about my family and friends. forever.


i posted some pics from vacation and my friend in california messaged me saying, "btw did you lose weight??? you look even more adorable than you already were!!!"

and it was so kind and i felt so happy about it and i missed her because she's sweet and lovely.

but it immediately turned to guilt in my head.

it turned to: no, they are just flattering pictures. no, i don't actually look like that.

it turned to: you shouldn't feel good because of these things. these things are probably lies anyway.

it turned to a number of negative things in my head because, in all honesty, i don't know how very capable i am of just not turning them into negative things. of not spiraling, of not super focusing on it.

i don't think i see my body accurately.

and it has taken me a long time to get to a point where i don't just hate it. in fact, i am usually very thankful of it, and have a very positive outlook toward it.

and i am scared that might change if i focus on things like that.

this is a jumbled mess.


i had a really bad night last night, and i guess it's spilled over a bit to today, but that's okay. we'll make it.

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