some notes about life lately i suppose, mostly a dream
28.04.21 | 5:11 pm

the moment i find someone who actually listens to and calls back to what i say, who researches the car problems i'm having, who wants to talk to me each day, that's when the dreams of you come back.

and they're simple. quiet.

they are small moments, like you sitting on a couch and me choosing the chair. you looked at me and asked me to come sit by you, had messaged it to me in french but i hadn't seen it. so i do. i sit by you. and you put your arm around me and we lie there quietly for a while.

and it's the way it always is in those dreams. me still being so unsure about whether or not you actually like me, but enjoying the moment. it's strange.

i don't know how this will all go with joe. he is cute, dark hair, beard, glasses. he had a gemini tattoo he got removed. he's a jazz guitarist, already invited me to one of his shows. he's much quieter than me. and he wants to see me again, and is willing to plan ahead, way in advance to do so.

we had coffee, went to target, had dinner, went to a bar, all in all spending roughly eight hours together.

he talks to me on the phone. like, an actual phone call.

but my brain keeps telling me all these reasons why this can't be right. how do you handle, after so long, someone actually being kind of nice to you? someone who actually wants to see you, and who you think you actually want to see as well?

i know this is silly.

but you messaged me pictures of your neighbor's bunny, and the wild bunny who has been coming to see it. how they're best friends now and play every day. how you figured i'd really like that story. and i did.


i think i'm a little stressed. we have three and a half weeks of school left; i take the praxis on friday; things feel like they're moving really quickly at the moment.

add on top of that thinking every twitch in my face means i have a brain tumor and will die.

add on top of that my sort of liking this guy, and then worrying about telling him i live with my parents, worrying about telling him i might go back to france, trying to figure out whether i AM going to go back to france this year, and also considering that i wouldn't hate the opportunity to make out with my french tutor who just followed me on instagram.

it's all a blur really.

<< | >>