i’m sad tonight
19.05.21 | 7:34 pm

the dreams i (still) have about you are always the same: me, wrestling with my feelings for you, and you, slowly realizing that i have them, and either slowly, slowly reciprocating them, or... not.

over and over and over again, i have different versions of this same dream. whether i’m talking to you every day or we haven’t spoken in a month. you’re still living in the back of my brain.

i am struggling tonight with an acute feeling of loss, of what i could’ve had, of what this next year could’ve been like. it is a waste of time, i know, to focus on these things. but my heart hurts and my brain is tired and i need to let myself be sad.

again, it feels like my life is on pause (even though it most certainly isn’t).

so i am going to try to do as much as i possibly can this year to counteract it.

and maybe one day you’ll stop appearing in my dreams. maybe you’ll be replaced eventually by someone else.

but who knows? we have no control over anything. things happen or they don’t. we never can tell.

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