rambling about how joe sucks, i guess
29.05.21 | 3:12 pm

i did my yoga and a 10k this morning and i'm still sad so i guess that means that i actually am sad.

i'm a little embarrassed that joe is the first dude in four years that i've introduced to any of my friends and, it turns out, that he sucks. none of my friends have been impressed and even mentioned that he doesn't even act like he actually likes me. he doesn't touch me (unless we're about to have sex). instead of saying goodbye he says things like "fuck you" as a joke, as though that's funny somehow. even when i have tried so hard to be open and communicative and understanding, i don't really get that in return. he doesn't even want to see me for his birthday (lolololol).

all that to say i'm going to tell him i don't want to see him anymore.

i genuinely need people who obviously like me and are very clear about it.

and he seemed that way at first. but that all changed after i came over during game night and he did not look at me or even acknowledge me for fifteen minutes and did not introduce me to anyone, so i just sat there in the chair his roommate (who was in the process of moving out and was the only person to fucking look at me even) got for me, and eventually i just introduced myself and everyone continued to be really weird. and once everyone was gone, i told him how this hurt my feelings and also, what the fuck was that, and it's been weird ever since.

anyway. it doesn't matter.

just hurts my feelings.

and now i suppose i am talking to this ed person, but i think i'm currently so starved for affection that i'll just fuck that up by being needy, too. i want too much.

i'm just going to be sad for a while.

also, my brother's roommate died unexpectedly (wasn't wearing his seatbelt, got ejected from the vehicle, and the car landed on him) a couple of days ago, and i was literally the only member of our family to go over and see them. i brought them food and let them talk about jake. but no one else in my family did. and i just think that's really shitty.

can you imagine dying like that? i wonder if it was quick. if he was suffering when the emts got there. if he still had any consciousness. if he knew he was going to die. he was only twenty-six years old.

these are bad thoughts for my brain because i will get stuck on them and spiral. so i guess i need to stop that.

i really hope the kids come over tonight because that might pull me out of this funk.

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