juste pour te plaire
14.06.21 | 9:24 pm

i still saw joe at least once after all that. more than once, probably. and yet he is the one who gets to ghost me (after two months) after i told him, "i don't wanna have to ask someone to be interested in me or what i'm doing." because i don't. and truly, i feel nothing about the ghosting except the fact that a thirty-four-year-old man should be more respectful and mature than to just peace out and ghost someone they've literally been seeing for two months.

but what can ya do.

i am almost certain, as well, that ed doesn't actually want to meet me at all, is just putting off the telling me of such things.

again, what can ya do.

i think with him, i just really liked the idea that people already knew who he was, that people already had a positive opinion of him. that's one less thing to worry about.

here i am, thirty-one years old, writing about this dumb stuff all the time.

i'm driving forty-five minutes to meet a guy named tim at a burger place tomorrow. he's very cute. i hope he won't be terrible. he lives an hour and a half away. i don't know.

--

when i was at the tee ball field to watch tate play, i told my mom about how i'd like to be in charge of and implement a "summer camp" sort of project-based fun two-week program for the kids, where they could choose whichever subject they wanted (and each subject would have at least one class). and mom told me that my uncle (who used to be the principal) told her that they would do almost anything to keep me there, that my students love me, that i actually do such a good job at my job that they want to make me happy there. that they'd let me teach french, let me create this weird summer camp.

it's so good to feel recognized for doing something well. sometimes i forget how lucky i have it here, that i am regarded as wholly competent and do not have to worry about being taken seriously. (i mean, i have felt that, to be honest, at all my teaching jobs -- but still.)

let's see if i can pull this together, eh?

--

i got together with my grad school friends for the weekend

okay i was gonna write a whole thing about that which was lovely but now one of my friends from said group is blowing off everything i said (EXCEPT for what i said about the memoir-esque thing she wrote and wanted notes on) because she is watching tv with her not-boyfriend-who-has-a-girlfriend-but-watches-hours-of-tv-with-her-until-3am-all-the-time so whatever.

--

i don't know. sometimes i feel very at home and sometimes i feel so lost.

seeing the pictures of my friends and the news about things going well in france now is bringing me down.

did i make a mistake deferring for another year?

if i wait this next year, will i ever go back in any meaningful way?

i continue my french lessons several times a week, but am i progressing? will i ever really progress from this point without living there again?

i am full of questions and, at the moment, sadness.

--

one thing i can say that brings me immense, indescribable joy is being with my nieces and nephews. i love them beyond possibility.

that's all.

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