peek into my negative mindset currently
03.07.21 | 12:34 pm

current thoughts, in the hopes that getting them out will make them disappear from my brain:

-i am disgusting. my body is disgusting, too large, too much.
-in fact, my entire personality is too much.
-staying here for the next year means being stuck and being alone, essentially by choice without it actually being by choice.
-i am hungry but i don’t want to eat because of how much i ate this morning. (ugh.)
-there are myriad fair reasons why no one wants to actually date me and why it isn’t worth it to date someone like me when i live an hour+ away.
-i am just sad, i think.
-i am hyper focused on not liking how my body looks in general right now. how i should be trying harder to make it look “better.”
-i don’t like when my friend doesn’t respond to me for a day or three, and then when he replies, i don’t respond, and then i know that he will send me something the next day that will specifically be something that makes me happy. i don’t like it that this is a pattern and i don’t like that i’m right. i don’t understand why i’m still not 100% over this. (just about 95% i would say.)
-i want to be able to express my love for things in the way that i feel them without these people feeling like i’m too much.
-i am in the mindset that i should delete all dating apps and stay off social media for a while.
-am i going to be this stunted thirty-something forever?
-did i write about how i was complaining to kayley about dating, about how i always lower my standards for these people, and she shot back “but you live at home, tia.” and i mean, she’s right. i am nothing special. there are so many reasons someone should not date me right now.
-i hate that i am often so focused on dating when i know i am so much happier when i’m not even doing it.
-i am tired of putting forth effort when people don’t return it.
-i am already tired of driving everywhere to see everyone else, now that we can actually see each other again. i don’t want to burn myself out on this stuff.
-my french isn’t as good as it should be, and i fear it will only improve if i’m living there again.
-will i ever honestly get back there or will i be stuck here forever
-i hâte thinking of it like stuck too, because i absolutely adore being with my family and getting to see my nieces and nephews several times a week. it’s lovely beyond compare.
-i really wish i at least lived somewhere that some of my friends live where we could just randomly go out for dinner or trivia or something and no one would have to drive forever to do it.
-i am so mad about the way i look right now.
-i am just unsatisfied overall.

honestly i probably just need a nap and need to hydrate. my workouts the past week or so have been uncharacteristically difficult (without me doing anything to make them that way). that’s adding to all this.

in general my life is lovely and beautiful and i’m so lucky.

i don’t often feel this negatively anymore. truly, this little tailspins are few and far between. but i’m in it now.

the only way out is through.

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