still just fucking crying
26.09.21 | 7:22 pm

i have honestly spent a large portion of today crying. my brain hurts and my face hurts and is red. i feel very drained.

essentially: i asked him if everything was okay, but told him leaving me out in the lurch like this is unkind. he replied saying that it was, and proceeded to tell me everything that had happened in the last week and a half that led to this (a major panic attack, bad news about his dad's declining health, a major interview process for a new job, etc.). it literally isn't about me.

he admitted to handling everything poorly. to fucking up. and apologized.

he told me i didn't do anything wrong.

i said at one point, "i didn't just invent this all in my brain." and he replied, "you didn't not at all."

then later he said, "i think we should stop talking. you're great. this is not the right time for me. i'm really sorry."

i sent him a message explaining that i understood. and i thanked him. for sharing this time with me, for giving me so much of himself in these short two months. that i am rooting for him and am happy i met him.

he responded sort of in kind, but it wasn't the kind of message i hoped for. who can blame him.

"i really appreciate the kindness and joy you have in your life and that you shared so much with me. i appreciate the crap out of you. thank you for all of that. and thank you for listening this morning. it means a lot."

and i suppose i left it at that. i didn't answer.

so yeah. i've been crying all day.


now, i guess, i really never will talk to him again.

that's a weird thing to realize.

but... i guess i am proud of myself, a little. i said what i needed to say. i was open. and loving. and now i am just dealing with what happens.

there's literally nothing else i could have done here, i think.


okay, before my list of nice things, a list of sad things:

-i would've legitimately gone out on a limb for this one.
-it felt real. very, very real for me. (and it was real. that's why.)
-sometimes circumstances get in the way.
-sometimes it's really not the right time.
-sometimes people are just too far away.
-sometimes the feelings aren't what matter.


okay, here we go. my list of really lovely things i learned from all of this:

-this has been the healthiest "relationship" i've honestly ever had.
-no one has ever made me feel so capable and willing to be open and honest and kind. and he brought that out of me by being that way toward me.
-he always thanked me for sharing things about myself, and for letting him share things about himself. and i really love that.
-"how can i be supportive?" this is a simple question that i've never used on anyone before and no one had used on me. it is very effective.
-it's possible for someone to really like me, and for me to actually really like them. that hasn't happened in so long. so fucking long.
-he always checked in and made sure

oops, i started crying again.

here is what it comes down to:

he is lovely. was so lovely to me.

and i deserve the loveliness. i deserve someone's kindness, their genuine interest in me. and i deserve to be able to give someone that same thing back.

i am capable of caring about someone again.

and i can actually believe someone when they tell me that they like me, that they think i'm beautiful, that i'm actually worth something.

because i am.

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