28.09.21 | 8:27 pm

hi, i am still just sad. not crying all the time, but sad at the finality of it all. it actually feels over, unlike how things like this have felt for me in the past, where i desperately clung on, not wanting to accept the truth.

i know that it's over. that this isn't a movie. that he won't text or call me out of the blue and say that he made a mistake.

because he didn't.

he did what was best for him in this moment. he did what was necessary to take care of himself.

and no one can be faulted for that.


i just haven't had someone unabashedly want me in the way that he did.

i wanted to write in here before about the aspect of consent that went into this relationship in a way i'd never experienced before, but it still feels like i can't find the right words?

he just made sure, every step of the way, that i was into this, that he was into this, that we were both on the same page, consistently.

i am used to ... not that.

(i want to expand, explain, but again... can't find the right words yet.)

he was so clear in how much he liked me, so clear in his compliments. i felt very seen.

and he told me how much he appreciated, how much he liked when i did the same thing for him. so it felt so easy to be as affectionate as i really wanted to be. i didn't have to feel ashamed about it.


i really hope i was able to give him the same things he was able to give me.


this is going to be on my mind for a while. a long while, i think.

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