24.10.21 | 7:36 pm

have had a horrifically sore throat for almost five days and finally went to get it looked at today, thinking maybe it was only allergies. the doctor had me open my mouth and immediately went, "yep, pretty sure that's strep," so here i am, having already called off work for tomorrow.

i keep trying to write here about the things i'm started to realize about my body, about the things i've held onto that i didn't realize, a lot of it surrounding consent (and the lack of it), who thinks they can touch my body and when, and who i think "deserves" to do so. but i'm having trouble getting it all down.

it is strange how having one person be genuinely kind to you in regards to things like that, someone who actually cares what's comfortable for you and doesn't want to push you past that, that makes you realize how fucked up a lot of your other situations in the past have been.

(all of the james stuff has been a damn journey. the recognition that i could still have someone so kind and still have such a genuine connection left me flying high, and then legitimately devastated that it ended, and then grateful to have had it at all, and now analytical about how other things haven't measured up in the same way, and thinking about how i actually deserve something like that, but how do i get there? my mind just goes a mile a minute in regards to this stuff and again, i'm having trouble actually getting it all down. it's in bits and pieces in my notes app on my phone. things like, why is my brain trying so hard to make it seem like this wasn't a real connection? like i was used in some way? i don't actually feel that way -- i do legitimately thing this was a real connection, a real thing -- so why is my brain lying to me like this? things like, i never want a man to think he can push me to do anything sexual again or even fucking touch me without my explicit yes. i want so badly to be actually cared for, not just used for someone else's gain. i'm rambling.)

all that to say...

in a couple of weeks, i have my first therapy appointment.

i think this is a good thing.

i hope this is a good thing.

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