an actual update
15.03.22 | 9:18 pm
tonight, while we were sitting in the car, right before i needed to get into my car and drive home, he said, "just come home with me."
i know that if given the opportunity, he would happily have me move in with him in a heartbeat.
and i talked about that with bailey (my therapist) -- about how i was so scared of being pushed (not by seth, not by anyone actually -- just by the image that i should) into moving faster than i want to.
because the truth is that i don't have to be 100% sure yet. i don't! it's absolutely okay to not know, after dating someone for four months, if you're ready for something like that.
even if i'm already thirty-two.
even if people at this age do this sort of thing.
even if it's harder when we're an hour away from each other.
even if my family likes to tell me how much they like him.
even if people ask me, "do you think he's the one?"
i don't have to know yet.
--
on a similar note:
for years i have bemoaned living in my home town.
and now, at this age, i... don't actually really hate it that much.
i work at a school where my superiors see me and value me.
i work at a school with my brother and two sisters-in-law, with whom i have a group chat and with whom i can complain regularly and feel so connected on that level.
i live so close to my nieces and nephews who adore me and whom i adore, partially because we are able to see each other so often. (i worry that not seeing them this often will result in being forgotten, or less liked.)
i am able to be with my parents often, with my brothers often, and that is comforting on such a distinct level.
do i miss good restaurants? bars? having interesting places to go? having actual events to go to or things to do?
of course i do. but i am lucky they are only ("only") an hour away.
and i do still dream of living in the city -- only having a fifteen minute drive to decent, interesting food i've never had before or to the concert venue where my favorite band is playing.
but all of that means so much change, and that loss of community that i feel with my family, with my coworkers.
it's all very hypothetical at the moment anyway... but i don't dislike being here as much as i once did.
--
this weekend, i missed a run.
i wasn't sick, just busy -- and the guilt that caused was monumental.
encouraged by bailey and by seth, i started giving myself two rest days per week. and guess what? it's been absolutely incredible.
my runs are better. the stress i feel regarding working out has lowered. and my brain is still okay.
but missing a scheduled run? that doesn't fit in the same way.
for the entire weekend, my legs were restless, my brain was on hyperdrive, and i felt more anxious than normal.
was it just psychosomatic, from the knowledge that i missed the run, from the fear that it would seriously impact my mental health? perhaps.
regardless... it was awful. and i don't want to do it again any time soon.
--
i had a dream about matt last night, for the first time in... a very long time. and it was about us being back together, but things still not being right, and i was so concerned and so stressed for the entire dream...
i told bailey about how i was with both eric and matt for about three more years than i should have been, how i knew already that i didn't want to end up with them, but i thought, no one else will ever love me like this. they won't love me this much, even if they're loving me badly.
i am always scared of doing that again.
even though now, i know that is ridiculous. i know what i am worth. i know other people will see that worth.
but bailey told me: "now you have a therapist who won't let you stay with someone for three years you don't want to be with." and it honestly helped.
--
when i do get into a relationship, i have a tendency to not tell anyone about the nitpicky things, the stuff that bothers me, the doubts that i have. this is a fault of mine, to be honest. i don't want anyone to think poorly of the person i might be with. i am very concerned with the image that i put out in this way.
i think it is part of the reason i haven't wanted to write.
a part of the reason is that, overall, i think i'm rather happy.
stressed. tired. but rather happy.
i started playing piano again, actually. canon in d. claire de lune. some simple classics to draw me back in.
it's lovely.
i think, really, the main thing i still struggle with... is that i now have experienced this want, this desire, that is all-consuming. james was able to anticipate my needs before i even knew what i wanted (which was magical and ridiculous all at once). and yes, most of the relationship with james (while healthy on many levels) was... unhealthy (for example: i was always quite terrified of the fact that i did not anticipate his needs in the same way he could for me, so i must not be good enough for him). i miss feeling so excited, so wanted, so unsure of what was going to happen.
but... it wasn't real, in so many words.
--
it's like now i have so many things i want to get out.
i can't wait to see avett again in a couple of weeks.
i need to go to bed.