no more rage.
2011-03-14 | 8:26 p.m.


i feel so fucking crazy!?!? what is wrong here?!??

akflhakljfgdslkhensdnhfksakjlfsd.

i don't really want to even cut off my hair, there is hardly any desire there, but sometimes i think well if i get myself preoccupied on something ridiculously unimportant that all my attention will be focused on it, instead. it never works and i know that.

i just feel... i don't know. i feel like i'm at the end of something. and it hurts really deeply and i might be able to talk about it casually but FUCK you know? it's really, really hard.

and i can feel myself when i get real scared and i see what i'm doing like i'm high above myself not even making these decisions. so many ... so much.

i just. don't know what to do with myself. pickle jars are just pickle jars and pickles are just pickles. sorry i really like this song. it is calming.

i like being on the break. Gracie asked eric why he didn't bring me home with him, that is cute, so cute it makes me want to cry. Addie is due april 23 and i can't wait, we bought baby stuff today and i just wanted anything that had elephants on it because i want her to love elephants, too, and that's kind of ridiculous but it is really important for some reason.

rj is maybe dating brittany stone and well all i've got to say about that is at least she's not a whore and she's a lot sweeter than the rest of them have ever been so i am actually hoping he does. even though i firmly believe he's not over jenna and he never will be.

it's sad.

i used to look up to them so much, that's when i really started getting scared. when you think couples that can withstand the test of time just break up out of the blue and are that close to your life you start to think, well, damn, if that can't last then why would anyhting i'm in last, etiher? but you can't really VOICE those opinions because what does that say about you? that you're not committed? that you're a fluke? that you've never cared as much as you thought you did?

i will probably delete this later as i will most likely find it too revealing.

i am so SICK of being boring and feeling like i can't do what i want for so many fucking reasons. i hold myself back from everything. and i am sick of it. i am twenty-one! i should be crazy! and reckless! and not so damn focused on my future!

also, i want to go somewhere crazy for grad school. have i ever said that? i want to leave kentucky, i want to go to fucking rhode island or pennsylvania or maybe even washington. who the hell knows? why should i be restricted to kentucky and tennessee? what about missouri? what about england? WHY DO I HAVE TO DO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT ME TO DO.

i have other things to fill my time, you take what is yours and i'll take mine

agh damn. that is all, i just need to get stuff out sometimes, i'm a nutcase and sometimes i'm so ridiculous that i think i have an anxiety disorder but mostly only because you tell me i probably do.


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