a bout of self disgust
07.09.23 | 6:44 pm
one of those week-long (month-long? months-long?) moments where nothing i do is right or good enough. where no matter what i do, i hate the way i look.
this is being compounded by a few things:
-i took a few weeks off of running because of the pain in my foot. i get a lot of self worth from running accomplishments. however, it was actually a relief to have a couple of weeks where i could go home and not feel obligated to exercise in a way that takes 1-2 hours every time i do it. i rode on the bike and played animal crossing at the same time, and i felt fine with getting off after thirty minutes. it was nice to not feel so beholden to a form of movement.
-as a consequence of this (and as a consequence of this summer, in general), i can tell that i have gained a little weight. this is not the worst thing in the world. this is not the worst thing in the world. (keep saying it until it's true.) as much as i don't want it to, it makes me hate myself a little bit. as ridiculous as i know it is, it makes me feel like a failure. as much as i know i would never think this about anyone else, there it still is, in my brain, directed towards myself. i hate it.
-work is insane this year. i cannot express how much harder i worked before the school year started to get ready and how still, i feel more unprepared than i ever have. i am working after school almost every single night, and when i don't do it, i get the luxury of feeling guilty about it, watching the grading pile up, feeling like i'm failing my students, feeling like i'm going to be a horrible AP teacher, feeling like i suck at teaching dual credit, feeling... horrible. about myself.
-i am still at home. seth and i are still going back and forth. and it's exhausting. i want a house. i want to get married. all of these things feel ridiculous. i don't want to put any pressure on seth. i don't want to rush things. but i am tired. so tired. of it going this way.
-emma has been sick. there was a whole thing where the stupid fucking vet prescribed her ten times the dosage she was meant to have, so she was sick for a straight week (even after i stopped giving her the medicine) before we realized what happened. the vet clinic felt cold to me and as though they didn't really give much of a shit about the fact that the basically poisoned my dog. i hate them and i'm never going back. (she's doing fine right now, by the way.)
-i am exhausted. no matter what i do, i am exhausted. i want to see my friends and hang out with them but i barely have the energy to do the things i have to do right now.
okay. okay.
maybe getting some of this out is helping.
i will leave with a couple of good notes:
-my family's beach vacation is at the end of the month.
-seth and i booked plane tickets to helsinki and copenhagen for spring break.
i am okay. this will pass. this will pass.