it's early
20.07.13 | 5:03 am

sometimes i just get the urge to talk. i typically don't have anything to talk about, either, so i just start rambling and see what comes out.

my brother's girlfriend's little sister has a boyfriend now, and i can't help but be excited and wary for her. kelsey jokes a lot that haley and i are practically the same person, and when someone says things like that, i wonder if they will make the same mistakes that i have. i hope that he is good to her (he seems to be) for the duration of their relationship.

when i'm in bed like this, i am reading things on my phone by having only one eye open. my eyes have different prescriptions and i have better vision in the left one, and if i open both everything seems to run together. i feel like maybe there's something to that, but there probably isn't.

emma has started (? it's actually happened for a while now) to often just sit in her kennel or on my bed and sleep. i'll call for her and if she doesn't come, that's where she is. i had to close my door last night to make her stay out and to at least sleep on the couch next to me. it's interesting is all.

i think i will go and buy myself breakfast this morning when i actually get up.

i wonder what it is that makes me decide what is or is not worth writing down. admittedly i write a lot; i currently use three different diaries and sometimes i still feel like it's not enough. i wonder if it comes out of a lack of someone to tell mundane details about my life to. it probably doesn't.

when i wrote when i was younger (since i have been here since i was thirteen) i was much more sparse. i could go weeks without updating and then say something seemingly unimportant. i also bounced from diary to diary, always thinking i needed a fresh start.

now i look back and wonder why i left so many important things out. i often didn't name who i was talking about, and sometimes i can't make out who it was in my entries. and then i think, for a diary, i left many, many bad feelings out based on the fact that my friends read them and i didn't want anyone to worry about me.

i often qualify statements like "i feel this way" with "because i am stupid/ridiculous/etc." on the one hand it may be good that i can recognize that although i feel one way it may not be logical or make sense, but on the other i wonder when i got into the habit of thinking that everyone else will already qualify my statements with things like that so i should jump the gun and make them aware that i already know. i beat myself down before i let anyone else do it.

i would just like to remember that although my feelings may not make sense, they exist and they are valid.

i am valid.

and now that i would like to sleep some more, there are birds loudly chirping outside my window.

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