gonna watch more orange is the new black.
05.08.13 | 6:41 pm
that's the best music video i've ever seen.
i was a real person today. i fixed my hair and did my laundry and went grocery shopping and now i'm sitting here, feeling a thousand times better but so, so exhausted.
it seems like all the pain i felt and sleeping i'd done over the past couple of days dulled or numbed anything else i could've been feeling. so last night, when i finally started to legimiately feel better, my mind went through this huge onslaught of sadness and i think it must have been mostly from feeling so terrible and this exhaustion but still.
when i get like that, i always want to be able to say to someone, "i'm sad. please talk to me about this."
but i can't anymore.
i had you. for a while. and i told you more than i've told anyone in a long, long time.
now it always seems like it's not valid. i can say i'm sad, yes, but it has to be followed up with, "but i don't know why/but it doesn't make sense/but i shouldn't."
it's not even about not having someone to talk to, because i have so many people who would listen to me if i needed them to. but i feel so internalized. i ache for people to tell me how they feel, but i just can't bring up my own.
it's interesting to me how some people can go through situations without needing to completely understand them. i always want to know every detail. tell me why you did this. why do you feel that way. why would you do this when you know this such and such thing. how did you think that would make me feel, etc. and i have always needed those explanations.
so when i freaked out on him completely, my gut reaction was to sit him down and say, "okay. i know i freaked out. i'm sorry. let me explain to you why i did this, based on these such and such things, and why i'm still sorry about it."
it's refreshing that some people don't need that. that they just move past it.
probably still thinks i'm crazy, though.
i need a lot.
i think dating me would be kind of like babysitting a mixture of an overbearing mother and a small child who needs to be reminded that there is something good inside them. not the best thing.
i want to take care of people but i also desperately want people to take care of me.
i want to be able to take these people i admire and make sure they know how wonderful i think they are, but i also really need people to feel that way about me.
i'm exhausted.