doubt and whatever i don't even care
18.03.15 | 7:24 pm

i spent this morning teaching, spent the afternoon doing housework, and am spending the night grading everything i need to catch up on.

kayley was here for a week, matt and erin for a weekend.

it was a lot of fun. i've missed them all very much. we went to the denver zoo and the museum of nature and science, and we drank and played taboo and sang obnoxiously to taylor swift and nicki minaj with the windows open at midnight.

but this group of friends is not very good at letting other people in (in my experience). they like matt, but they don't like matt. and this is really upsetting to me.

for one, i don't think they put forth much effort to actually try to get to know him.

another thing is that their doubt caused me to doubt, which subsequently pissed me off.

i got mad at matt today because i have to tell him to clean off the stove when he's done cooking, to fold the laundry when it's dry, etc. etc. etc.

i have three jobs now. i don't have the time to deal with bullshit about me doing the majority of the housework, and i refuse to be my mother who just literally does everything and has to beg one of my brothers or my dad to go to wal-mart.

i won't do it!

but i love matt a great deal. we are very, very, very different people and sometimes that makes things very difficult. i am incredibly clean, organized, i like to have a plan and be safe and cautious, i am polite and don't like to bother people. he's messy and disorganized, flies by the seat of his pants, doesn't care about safety, and it incredibly fucking obnoxious most of the time.

sometimes i wonder if this is the kind of thing i really wanted to sign up for.

i'm glad i'm here, but i found myself the other day (when he joked about getting married in front of other people) saying, "oh no, no, no, definitely not."

i make myself dissatisfied on my own sometimes.

and yeah, i know we are very different, and that makes it hard, but it doesn't diminish my love for him, either. it just makes life harder.

is that worth it?

anyway, for the most part i love colorado.

yesterday, matt and i and his two friends sam and ashley took the light rail into denver and went day drinking and wandering around different bars. it was a lot of fun.

i don't know. sometimes i think about just applying for a job to teach abroad and going, going, gone.

when i was introducing myself to my new coworkers, they asked if i'd ever taught abroad. i said no, but i want to, i want to go to korea, etc. etc. i don't think i want to go to korea, i don't know. but i want to have a plan.

i like colorado, but i don't want to be here forever. i want to travel.

i think i feel restless.

i love my friends, but their being here made me exhausted and i haven't recovered yet.

is there ever a point when you actually 100% believe you should be with someone? is there always going to be doubt?

my mom was supposed to call me back, but she forgot. i miss her. and everyone. i tell myself that eventually, everyone leaves and goes somewhere else. i don't know if it's true. but i didn't want to be the one left behind.

ughhhhhhhhh where is all this coming from make it stop.

today we went to the incline (this big hill you can hike up) and there's this giant steep staircase that has 178 stairs. we got to stair 80 and i stopped, couldn't do it, my knees were shaking because i'm terrified of heights.

we went down and walked up the hiking way.

later, i said sorry, i said is that okay? and he told me it was stifling.

i didn't like that.


sometimes i have to think, maybe the way i live is bad for him, too. maybe we balance each other out, but maybe we detract from each other, too.

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