talking about everything and nothing
21.03.15 | 8:44 pm
i think it's okay to have doubts. natural, even. doubts about everything: your love, your career, whatever you're doing at this exact moment.
i think it's okay that when we went hiking the other day, we tried going up the "challenge staircase" and at stair 60, my legs started to shake out of fear, and at stair 80, i stopped and turned around walked back down.
i think it's okay to put your whole heart into something, even if it doesn't seem worth it, even if it seems destined for failure. sometimes it's not.
i also think it's okay to stop putting any piece of your heart into something. sometimes, it's too tiring, it takes too much work, and there are better things to put your passion toward.
i think it's good that i'm trying to learn spanish even though all of my coworkers already know another language (or two, or three). i think it's okay to be slightly intimidated by them, even when they smile at me, and i think it's okay to feel desire for the adventures they've already had.
i think it's okay that i know someday soon, i will want to "run away." i will fly to another country, i will teach english, and i will soak in as much as i possibly can.
i think it's okay to think about doing that on my own, for myself.
i think it's okay to feel dissatisfied, because it is often that feeling that pushes us to be better, to do something we thought we wouldn't do.
i think it's okay that i moved 1,000 miles away from a place i loved and people i loved even more. it's good to have these experiences, to experience these feelings, and to feel the love from miles away when someone mails you a card or facetimes you.
--
i don't know why i'm writing this. sometimes, after reading something, i get the distinct urge to write everything down. i miss it. i miss the rush i used to get writing a story, creating these characters, the surprise i felt when on the page they did something i didn't expect them to.
i think it's okay that things end, that you heal, and that you move on.
maybe this is why marriage scares me. and why the thought of having children scares me.
--
yesterday, i came home from work (i left at 7:30a, and matt was at work by the time i got home) and he had made the bed, done the dishes, and left me a note about how much he loves me.
it was the sweetest thing.
this morning, we slept in until about 8:30am, we ate breakfast, walked emma, and worked out. it was relaxing. i worked for three hours, bought some groceries, and made dinner. i finished reading amy poehler's book, and soon, i'm going to do some yoga.
while reading, i sometimes looked at emma, sleeping beautifully beside me, and thought about how perfect she is and how much i enjoy my life here.
today is the first day in a long time i feel like i took care of myself, gave myself time to breathe, and relaxed.
i should do it more often.