random thoughts on dating, hooray
07.08.18 | 3:23 pm

lately, i've had this odd lonely feeling deep in my gut.

everywhere i look, it's as though i'm seeing these very loving couples - these people expressing their gratitude for and amazement toward the people they've chosen to make a life with. and it's truly very, very lovely, and i'm truly very, very happy for them.

what's weird is recognizing that i've never felt that before.

not with eric, not with matt, not with anyone. even though, at the time, i deeply loved those people, i truly never felt like they were people i was supposed to be with, meant to be with.

and i truly wonder whether or not i'll find that, or whether or not i'm capable of it.

i'm not wondering these things in a self-pitying way, but a genuinely curious one. not everyone stays in a relationship forever, not everyone needs to - and that's fine.

and i feel like other people would read this and say, "you just haven't found the right person yet." that's also entirely possible.

but it's also entirely possible that it will simply never happen for me. and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

dating is so tiring. and you hear so much "advice" for dating - the "you're trying too hard," the "you want it too much," the "once you stop looking, you'll find it," and then there's the "you just need to put yourself out there more," the "just go out and meet everyone and have fun," the "treat dating like it's your job." there's no real path and there's no right choice.

i've given myself rules to follow, i've followed them, i've broken them - and in the end, i'm still here in relatively the same place i was before.

i want to say that it's been so long since i felt like i liked someone, since i actually admired someone (which is strictly because i often am the settler, not the reacher). the last person that happened with was alex.

and i wonder if i'm boxing myself in with too strict of a "type" or if i should give more people a chance.

and what i really wish is that it were more possible for me to meet people in real life or to meet people through friends, in a group setting, where i'm already relaxed and fun and adorable.

the last few dates i've been on, i can clearly project myself and seem like i'm having fun whether or not it's actually true. i can even make myself believe i'm enjoying myself!

i'm constantly torn between "taking a break" (for a while) and the growing fear that "taking a break" means "being alone for the next entire year." when, in reality, the latter isn't even all that terrifying.

i don't know. i never really know.

i just really, really know i don't ever want to have an experience like the one i had on saturday again.

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