14.10.18 | 11:02 am

i guess i've been having a lot of feelings about my body.

i felt like i looked nice at the wedding yesterday, and really the pictures show that i looked nice, too. i'm just wide. gigantic, really. (it's strange to see yourself in your head one way and then to see how you actually look to the world.)

it's weird to still have such negative feelings about your body and your looks and to feel like you aren't allowed to talk about them. because you're supposed to love yourself (and you do) and you're supposed to be okay with how you are, as long as you are treating your body in a healthy way (at least, that's what you always say).

but i still hold on to the idea that no one will ever love me because i'm not twenty or thirty pounds lighter. and i still look back on three or four years ago when i was twenty-five pounds lighter and i looked better and i felt better and i liked myself so much more then.

and i can't get over the idea that it's the reason i'm single. i mean, i'm all right - i'm smart, i can be funny, i care about things i guess.

and it's one of the reasons i'm attracted to certain people. i think, well, if i'm the "accomplished" one, it's okay if i'm the ugly one. like matt said. he thought we evened out because he was the more conventionally attractive one (read: not fat) and i was the smarter one, the one people liked who had her shit relatively together.

the thing is, i don't think this about anyone else -- only myself. i would never even dream of thinking that someone doesn't deserve to be loved by someone else because they're not little. but it's entirely how i think of myself.

i'm not worth it. not like this.

but i'm so tired. i'm doing a 10k training plan, trying to do yoga, trying to do my job well, see people, sleep, take care of my dog, hang out with my family. i'm so tired. it feels impossible to have to dedicate a significant portion of my thinking/effort on losing weight.

i don't know.

i know it's silly and i know i need to get over with it and keep moving on. keep doing things that are good for me, that make me feel good, make good choices. but it still sucks sometimes.

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