29.10.18 | 7:13 pm

i have been playing a lot of piano recently. i just bought two new song books i've been working through. it's so relaxing to read the music and work through it with my fingers.


i keep having nightmares about getting married. i don't know why they've come back, but it's always relatively the same premise: i'm getting married (either to eric or matt), it's the day of the wedding, everyone is there and is essentially waiting on me. and it dawns on me that i absolutely do not want to get married, and now it's up to me to figure out how to get out of it. last night's included me getting married to matt, and my reasoning behind not getting married was that i was going to france soon, so this was just silly! anyway, i woke up before it was called off or went on.

then i had another dream.

and this dream was about meeting up with a diarylander who used to frequent here quite a bit but really hasn't in the last couple of years. and, really, this person was someone i weirdly kind of looked up to? trusted? really appreciated their writing? i'm not exactly sure what it is/was, to be honest.

but in the dream, we met for the first time, and there wasn't anything to it, but we held hands and just laid in bed together until i had to leave. it was very peaceful.

i wish they were still writing.

(it's so odd how people you really don't even know have such a profound effect on you.)


addi is in the floor next to me and she drew me a picture. it's a picture of me, and on it it says, "to tia from addi: you are the best aunt!!" i love her.

i've been reading through my old entries lately, and back in 2014, i was worried about leaving her and going to colorado, worried about not seeing her grow up. and now that fear is back.

now she's drawing a picture of emma.


it has been nice, this school year, to not be consumed by this dread of being here forever and being stuck and alone. no one in my family really thinks i'll ever find someone i want to marry. i turned off tinder again. it's just too exhausting and not worth the trouble, really.

i just want to read and play piano all night.

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